Top 5 Videogame Monsters That Look Like Genitals
I’m gonna Slowpoke your Cloyster till my Bulbasaur
As one old euro pervert liked to say, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” And sometimes a videogame monster is just a videogame monster. At least, when it’s not a oozing, writhing pile of bathing suit areas. We get an awful lot of those, all things considered, and that’s not even counting the things that came out of the mind of H.R. Giger, which we’ll be arbitrarily disqualifying simply because they’d populate the entirety of the list otherwise. We’re not talking about subtlety, art, or even porn here. We’re talking about videogames that you can settle in and get comfortable with, playing merrily along for hours on end before they suddenly smack you upside the head with some kind of creature made out of wangs. Which would be fine, if not for the fact that they disappear in the morning and never call you back.
<!– System: Wii | Release Date: 2009 | Publisher: Ubisoft –>
Bayonetta has such a cheerfully over-the-top sense of its own sexuality that somehow the whole thing manages to wrap around the sexploitation odometer and come back to a state of almost harmless innocence. Well, mostly. Even in the midst of a stripperiffic game that tries its best to turn pole dancing into a martial art, the Chapter 11 boss comes off as almost too much. It’s a hovering ball of human faces, each with some kind of tentacle thing stuck in its mouth. It resembles nothing so much as a Transformers Quintesson eating a whole bag of dongs. Even better, in the course of the fight you have to make them cough the things up so you can sever their throbbing, purple tips. Tell me you didn’t wince when that happened.
<!– System: Wii | Release Date: 2009 | Publisher: Ubisoft –>
The mandatory color-coded elemental dragons of Chrono Cross were kind of important to the plot, but I honestly can’t remember a single thing about the Earth Dragon, mostly on account of the fact that, whenever it spoke, it was accompanied by this speech portrait. I couldn’t help submitting it to Thor’s old Videogame Lookalikes page, but given that the second half of the picture was a snapshot of my junk, I don’t think he appreciated it very much. Even better, by the end of the game those dragons all link up to form some kind of Voltron-esque superdragon. I can only guess which part the Earth Dragon got to be.
